Insecurities by Richelle Swinkels

Insecurities

by Richelle Swinkels

     When it comes to my recent photography I pour my heart and soul into an image, and expose a part of me I usually don't share with people. Even though I'm not the subject in the image, my auto-biographical imagery leaves me emotionally open and vulnerable to those who view it. With that said, sometimes I become too insecure to share certain images with others. Fears of them not understanding, fears of judgement become an internal filter of my photography.

     I created an image I had been visualizing of a subject fighting with himself, during that shoot I wanted to do another internal conflict photo in which the subject is silencing himself and hiding his own emotions. This image stood out to me, it was me, yet I was too insecure to share this image. Needing to fill my portfolio/book with imagery that fit my theme and my message I allowed my hidden image to fill a page.

     To my surprise the image I was terrified to show, had given me anxiety and I wasn't sure if I should use was one of my images that stood out the most during our portfolio review. Numerous people actually understood my image, or had their own interpretations that still made sense and applied to my message. 

     Like my emotions, I felt the need to hide my photography. The experience of showing complete strangers, photography industry professionals at that, my work was a nerve-wrecking experience. I felt like I was opening up a part of my soul to someone I didn't know, when I can hardly even do that with some of the closest people in my life. To my surprise I received positive reviews, a lot of support, and encouragement to keep going. Hearing that people understood and accepted my photography, and even more so liked my work, gave me the feeling that maybe I don't have to be insecure. Maybe I don't have to fear that others won't understand. Now more than ever I want to keep shooting, I want to get my message across, keep blogging and start sharing my imagery more. 

     Now that portfolio reviews are over, and I have a new sense of confidence in myself I look forward to exposing more and more people to my imagery. Time to get out and keep pushing thru. 

Seeing Red by Richelle Swinkels

Seeing Red 

by Richelle Swinkels

There's a point when tears begin to burn and sadness and pain begin to hurt so bad that it ends up turning into complete rage!

That's what this photo session represented to me. Like most photography it is open for interpretation  so others will 

see a possessed or crazy subject

but I think that goes hand in hand with the emotion that I'm trying to convey.

When you experience rage that comes from deep pain and internal sadness, not everyone understands and will just look at your rage as crazy or possessed. The outside world can't always understand the emotions inside that control our actions. 

I have a tendency to allow my emotions and my pain to control my life, I allow these feelings to evolve into rage inside of me. Other people can't feel my pain, so they can't comprehend unless they've experienced this themselves. This is something I'm learning to work on, but nothing changes overnight. 

Seeing Red (behind the scenes) by Richelle Swinkels

Seeing Red
Behind The Scenes

by Richelle Swinkels

To me the preparation for a photo shoot is a process with a full range of emotions. For me it starts with a dream or a vision, from there I research images and look for inspiration on the technical aspect. What style of lighting will fit what I'm trying to accomplish, who will be my subject, and what I exactly what I want it to look like. It's as if a coloring page develops in my head, first the outlines appear and I slowly work on deciding how I want to color it in. 

For me personally, some ideas that I come up with are much more obvious about their meaning and what I'm trying to convey. On the other hand, other images are left a little more open for interpretation on an individual basis. 

I had this visualization and then saw some portraiture done by the model I used in this image (Jessica Mumm), which inspired my lighting technique. I used two strip boxes at a 45 degree angle towards the model, to create the two highlights in the eye and a background light to fill in the and make the background white. I shot with my Cannon T3i and a fixed 50mm lens at f3.5 1/200. I used very little photoshop in the image, just trying to even out the white on her skin, smooth a couple lines and turn her eyes red and viola my image was complete and just how I pictured it! Which is one of the most rewarding aspects of the creative process.

Thanks again to Jessica Mumm for being my subject in the photo and Cassie G. for hair and makeup!