Inner Demons

Inner Demons

by Richelle Swinkels

“The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our soul” - Edgar Allen Poe. Why is it we can watch a movie with monsters and violence and just sit thru it, but when those monsters and violence is in our own head we get scared? Because it’s within us. Knowing what is in your head can cause the worst kind of fear. The hardest battles and scariest monsters are the ones within us. These inner demons control us, beat us down and leave the deepest scars. 

In my past I let this presence inside of me beat me down and control me. This inner demon beat me into depression, suicidal feelings, anxiety and eventually an addiction in attempt to calm down these inner demons. Over time and battle after battle I realized if I never fight back I’ll be stuck in this dark place for ever. Even if you are loosing, it’s important to stand up to your inner demons so you can eventually gain the strength to beat them.

Ironically in class today we had a guest speaker, discussing fear. Many people’s greatest is themselves, their own mind. He said, “You can run but the beast will get you, or you can stay and the beast will eat you…. but if you stay you might make friends with your beast.” We all have fears, whether it’s your own mind, being alone, change, etc. If we run from these fears they will stay there. The only way stand a chance to get rid of these fears is to stand up to them. The only way not to lose the battle to your inner demons is to fight them.  

I find myself often times being beat up by that inner voice, that inner demon tells me I can't handle things and I should revert back to the old me. Back to the mistakes and the past that I fought so hard to get away from. This image to me was important to make because in my opinion there is no battle like the one with ourselves. 

Masks by Richelle Swinkels

Masks

by Richelle Swinkels

“We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin.” 

     Growing up I always struggled with my identity, who I was on the inside and who I'd allow others to see. As I grew up I began to get better and better at wearing masks and hiding who I truly was. I hid depression and a growing drug addiction. I let very few people see the real me and know who I really was. However, eventually the addiction grew and grew and years later spiraled out of control and was too big for my mask to cover any longer. The mental issues I struggled with mixed with a drug addiction landed me in prison. While I was incarcerated and sober I took classes and in one we learned about Duality, and I dwelled on this concept ever since then. Having two mind frames, two personalities and wearing different masks. The prison even did an entire play on this concept of wearing masks. Seeing that photography was always therapeutic for me I've done a few shoots that have to deal with this. One being my mirror shoot, where the person looking into the mirror is what the world sees and the reflection is what the subject is feeling. I wanted to bring a different spin to the same idea and show this idea in the form of masks. While doing research for my mock portfolio I saw imagery of masks in different ways and tried to come up with my own. And thus it was born. 

Duality by Richelle Swinkels

Duality 

Duality, to have two parts. Some consider duality good and evil, others consider it as the opposite of rea
“I push my fingers into my eyes… 
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache…
But it’s made of all the things I have to take…
Jesus, it never ends, it works it’s way inside…
If the pain goes on..”

lity, living within a nightmare. Slipknot wrote a song called “Duality” discussing the pain of life, how you hurt yourself trying to stop the pain and it just gets worse.

But to me, it’s just multiple sides of me. The side of me that I show the world and the side of me that I hide within.

Photography is my therapy, sometimes it’s the only way I can truly express myself. Granted at times it’s a customer or school situation where I’m doing what I’m asked, but other times I’m getting out how I feel and creating an art that is who I am. That is exposing that dual side that I can’t show any other way. I’m currently wanting to work on pieces that showcase duality, and the multiple sides of me. It helps me deal and cope with things I feel and experience as well as becomes an interesting photograph. Here’s two so far.